I slept at 6am in the morning and i had 4 hours of sleep,ONLY. I'm sitting infront of my pc,yes i just brokedown for the second time. I'm unsure why,why am i behaving this way. You kept running through my mind every single time,every single hour,every single minute and every single seconds with me not knowing what's the actual reasons for it. Prolly,when they say,If you can't get someone out off your mind,they're probably supposed to be there((: Well i guess,that's just true huh. I've changed,i'm a stronger Dilla now,a stronger one which is strong enough to face my biggest challenges in my life,which of course,takes up alot of patience. Its love we're talking about,so,it is so unpredictable,right?
My biggest fear right now if you were to start getting closer and closer to her than you are to me. Or maybe,start having night conversation with her,now that you had stopped doing them to me. Or maybe,just maybe,you start liking her? I don't know. Oh god,if only i can read god's fate. And that you slowly gonna start forgetting whatever we shared,whatever we had once. We may have not literally broke up,but i just feel like as if we're hanging somewhere although we're back to square one. The love is there,just a little bit,not that strong enough. But i believe in myself and my instinct which constantly tells me,deep in your heart,yes,you still love me very much like you do. Yes baby,you do. And that you're sure enough to give me the final chance to prove it. But on my side,i have to get myself prepared for the worst,like what people around me tells me. Although somtimes,i know you won't leave me.
He's EXACTLY the same as Tim. In sense of characters,in sense of how they behaved. Only that he's an indian-catholic guy,he's 16 and yeah,i've known him for 1 and a half years instead of 3? On how he spoke to me,really recalls me back on our late night calls. I mean,it's a miracle right now that i've found Tim's "twin"? Cool huh. And,i tried to get myself closer to him,like you told to me to start dating other guys instead of holding on,i just cant :( whenever i tried,i'll just breakdown,like what i'm doing now -crying. No matter how i tried to fill in my laughter on his phone calls,you're always there to remind me that our love has not ended,not yet. Some other couple may have the worst scenario of their love life,but ours isn't the worst. Well,at the very least,i'm holding on to my promises and fix it right. And,i'm proud of that,totally.
I'll still be waiting for you,and for our meet-upps. I don't mind on waiting for how long it's gonna be,i don't mind. Cause once i've said,no one can ever replace you although it's your "twin",thats' it. NO ONE. I'm sorry if this post really makes you bored,but i can't help it. I have to let it all out. But hey,no matter what,i'm glad that at the very least,we exchange few messages every single day. And with my nature like this,i'm just too sad that i don't have you anymore to share with when my mum's start to nag at me for no reason,and times where my body starts aching or something and the times when i want someone to pity me over something :( No matter what,i'd still say you're the GREATEST thing that has ever happened to me,no doubt about it. Although they may say,you CAN find someone else better in future,but,no one can totally understand me and my nature,like you did,right? And so,i just gotta pray hard from now,hopefully things are gonna be back fine. It's been almost a month,now :(
Before i blew my candle on my birthday this year,i wished for us - I wished that things will be totally back fine and that i'll be back again with you,very soon and we'll have our almost perfect relationship,again. <------- touching kan? i know.
To end this,
--> I'm trying really very hard not to cry over you because every tear is just one more reminder that I don't know how to let you go
and people,this is what i learnt and i believe that,totally.
--> If you love something,set it free. If it's yours,it'll come back to you,maybe not now,but later. But if it does not,it was never meant to be (if you watch Sex and the City,then you'll get what i meant)
and lastly Timmy,
--> I love you not because i need you. I need you because i love you
There's only 2 times where i wanna love you,
which is NOW AND FOREVER.
I LOVE YOU and that a guy like you is impossible to fine :( <------ yes,i meant it.
On another note,what happened to me on 5.30am in the morning today,is horrible. I thought i ALMOST DIED or something. The horrible pain from the chest and rib cage is really terrible which it can't even make me move/turn or to breathe in properly. I was having an asthma attack at the same time. It got worst after putting down the phone. I couldn't get to sleep,but to say my prayers and hopefully i'm gonna be fine. Probably,god dosen't want me to die first because he wants me to repent. I think so too. It's not a joke,it happened to me just now and it's a serious matter. I think,i have to ask the doctor to refer me to the hospital and see what's my exact sickness/illness. And,this totally makes me scared :( I wanted to tell Tim about it,but im afraid he might not interested in hearing it :( Tim,do you wanna know about it? :(
Labels: it's crazy what i went through :(
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